I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
