She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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