if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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