i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
3 2 1 whiskey
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
