she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
