What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
