your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
