Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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