Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
