I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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