There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
