allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
