he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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