If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
