Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Randomize
