I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
