does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
