I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
