we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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