i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
