Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
