The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
