I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
