Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
