is your mom at the bar?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
