My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
