Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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