Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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