Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
