So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
