A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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