i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We're too hungover to prance.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
