Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
