what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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