Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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