He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
