Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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