At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
