Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
