She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
