somebody snuck up and got me drunk
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
