Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
