the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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