I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
