is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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