At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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