the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
