its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
