On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
