question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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