She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
