Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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