remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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