I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
